One Thing After Another

So the sermon last Sunday went well, at least I think it did.  When I was writing it…it really occurred to me how vulnerable this thing was making me.  I ended up trimming it down to provide just enough background to what’s going on…and to tell the truth, I’ve never publically declared my spiritual affiliations nonetheless in front of a congregation.  Well, I guess I’m getting a little more comfortable fulfilling some of the roles as an active Believer.  Let it be known that I do sing with The Message on XM and I don’t feel cheesy about it.  Anyway, it went well…cried through parts, held back the tears on others.  So now I’m just scared.

You know, confidence through life has routinely kicked me in the butt.  So, I have this great opportunity to share my story, inspire myself and others a little, profess that in the darkest times I have somehow found hope and I’m feeling alive and for the most part, getting this disease under control is looking pretty sunny and happy.  I even include in this thing that I’m looking forward to many, many more years as I have come to feel like I will.  But this little voice tucked way back in my head mutters “you’re going to put this motivation out there and find something out that’s going to throw you for a loop”.  I hate my sixth sense is all I can say…it’s dependable, which I don’t appreciate sometimes.  My tumor markers have risen…slightly, in normal ranges still…but they are elevated.  Two more rounds of chemo then scans on May 6th…hopefully to confirm that going back to chemo caused a slight jump but cancer butt is still being kicked (at least roughened up) is the news I’m so praying and hoping to hear.

I haven’t talked to anyone about it really…I don’t know what to say because I don’t know the extent to which I need to be worried.  My oncologist said that he’s not overly concerned but it’s definitely something to watch.  So like the big nerdball that I am, I’m back to reading a lot of junk…about chemo resilience, mutations, etc…  Big time f-bomb right here.  People say crazy stuff like “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst”…stupidest thing I’ve ever heard to tell you the truth…how in the HECK can anyone sanely prepare for the worst???

So now it’s out there…on a blog nonetheless because if I’m going to actually blog about this the reality needs to be there as much as the other stuff.  Cancer is unpredictable…and although I hate it more than anything else in the world…I recognize it’s ability to really screw things up.

Life continues though in the meantime…work, choir performances, ice skating lessons, loads of laundry, power walks, acupuncture…I’m getting through.  I can’t panic quite yet, but it’s certainly a distraction.  Back to the old questions of “Why me?” and “Where did I go wrong?”.  I’ve gotten used to the idea of living with stage 4 cancer because I’ve made it through this year and my life remains fundamentally normal.  I just want to be a regular 38-year-old mom worrying about things like weight loss and planning family vacations.  When I grow up I want to be a grandmother…that’s my dream.

I wish I ate dairy because I sure could use some real deal Baskin Robbins mint chip.  I’ll settle for Purely Decadent’s coconut bliss…it’s really good, but in times of crisis not as soothing.