Another Soapbox

So I’m taking a break from blogging about Cancerland for the moment because right now something seems to be consuming more than abnormal cell growth…abnormal reasoning.

When I was a little kid I used to play school in my basement…not just a couple of times but all the time.  When I wasn’t playing school in my basement, I was at a friend’s house playing school in their basement.  Being a teacher was just something I always wanted to be when I grew up…out of everything I could have possibly picked…doctor, veterinarian, nurse, journalist, actor, scientist…I chose education.  I always liked the idea of having people, books, activities, and constant learning around.  My mom used to get upset with me for reading under my covers until all hours of the night…especially “Where the Sidewalk Ends”.  I was constantly exploring, thinking and wondering as a child but always seriously concerned about everyone else around me.  In fact, my kindergarten teacher told my mom that I was going to grow up to be either a teacher or a nurse.  My bank account wishes she thought I was an aspiring microcomputer CEO…but in all honesty, teaching is where I belong.  It’s definitely not for the money, but the challenge and personal reward of helping a kid making sense of the world and finding possibilities along the way.  Yep, there are horrible days with kids who don’t pay attention or throw fits…but in comparison to what actually goes well we have so many more great days.  I’m pretty sure that I’m not exclusive in the way I feel about teaching…it’s an extremely dynamic, fast-paced, demanding and low paying.  It definitely takes drive to stick around in this field and the people that do get stronger every year.  I know it’s crazy, but I can’t see myself doing anything else.

Texas legislature is meeting today to perhaps  undo YEARS of excruciatingly hard work on behalf of teachers, teacher organizations, parents, and education advocates.  Education is already suffering so much and the proposals on the table to increase student/teacher ratios, cut teacher salary and benefits, change guidelines for contracts, number of working days…just about anything that can be thought of to really hit teachers below the belt is up for debate and it’s SCARY.  It’s not enough that intelligent, dedicated, self-less people who already are extremely overworked and underpaid may even get less…it’s the whole thinking that cut-backs and bullying the already stretched system is going to fix education.  Wow!  The lack of thinking behind this…how in the world are kids going to get to where they need to go with bigger classes, less support, less funding for materials and resources, dissolving special programs that both refine and challenge learning…it’s like putting someone in the middle of Death Valley with only one canteen of water for a week…yep, you have the resource there but it’s clearly not enough to survive.  Unfortunately education cannot be ran like a big business…teachers and students are NOT replaceable cogs in a wheel…the ouput is knowledge gained, not a tangible product like a semiconductor.

The nations that lead the world in education are putting into the system what they are getting out of it…investing in their children and future.  Teachers are respected, valued, funded for additional professional development…highly qualified  people are treated well so they stick around for these kids!  No matter which side of the political fence we are standing on most of us are in agreement that what is being proposed or not proposed in public education is at a crisis level.

So I don’t have time to march up to the Capitol with my big fat hot pink sign of protest because I don’t have any personal days…but if I did that’s where I’d be.  Why are they always picking on teachers?  If they want so much from us we should at least be valued…sometimes it feels like they have even forgotten we all actually have at least one college degree.  Non-educators making education decisions…it’s like me being the Chief of Surgery somewhere…I’ve had surgery, I know what it is, but I am hardly qualified to make decisions regarding it.

Well, there is my soapbox.  Texas legislators, I pray you make the best decisions today for our students and educators…budget aside.

Cancer still sucks, but I needed to get this education stuff off my chest!

Inspiration today…smiling little faces at 7:15 am turning my grumpy, no coffee frown upside down. 

Indulgence…coconut milk ice cream with a tiny, tiny hint of chocolate syrup.  I’m kaled out for the moment, although I keep chewing on this leathery green like a good vegan should.

What’s the Plan?

This is the time of year where I usually start making summer plans…six more weeks of the school year and then it’s me and Kat, swimming pools, sunshine, and sleeping in.  Part of me wants to go and lock in all the dates and places, but with upcoming scans looming on the 2nd, I can’t commit because the next phase of treatment is unknown.  Could be more chemo, maybe radio-frequency, perhaps radiation, or hormone therapy…or combinations of several things.  Who knows.

Made it through yet another crazy week at work…crazy anyway, nonetheless bouncing back from chemo.  Started the week out with a bang with the school wide concert…what an insane way to start the week…a 13 or 14 hour day right at the beginning.  By the time Wednesday rolled around we all felt like it was already Friday.  Don’t get me wrong, the performance was absolutely wonderful and I wouldn’t miss being there for my class for anything..it’s just a heck of a way to start out.  By the time work rolled around on Tuesday, I hadn’t been away from my kids for even 12 hours!   Really, think about the time teachers are spending with kids…7 hours a day, 5 days a week.  Kat spends more of her waking hours within the walls of her school than in the security of her home or family…and they want to cut education funding???  CRAZY!  Just the time component alone speaks volumes for why we need to figure out funding…school is our children’s home away from home!

Not much new in the land of cancer.  Knocked out the last round of two more Taxol/Avastin cycles…praying this stuff is still working.  My new feared words are resilience and mutation.  It’s been a year of hitting this pretty hard and I’m still on the same stuff…my mind says stuff like “well, my blood cells haven’t mutated and chemo continues to produce lovely side effects like hair loss and hemorrhoids so if that’s the case it’s got to be continuing to kill those little bastard cancer cells”.  I like my reasoning…it makes me feel pretty darn happy.  BUT then the other side of me dreadfully avoids the possibility of cell mutation and therapy resilience…side effects with no treatment progression…the biggest buzz kill I can possibly think of.  I know there are other options out there if needed, but I’m a creature of habit and have fallen in love with the possibility this could work for a very long time.  BUT it’s worked a lot longer for me than it has for a lot of people…I’ve surpassed the average but for how much longer?

I try so desperately hard not to fall into the “what-ifs” because it will drive me nuts.  It can’t be completely avoided.  So I’m kind of back thinking every ache and pain I feel might be bad, then convince myself it’s something like medication side effect, lack of something in my diet, exercise induced, etc…  For the most part I’m okay and continuing to truck on but I can’t just ignore reality.   Someone said to me not so long ago “Pray for the best but prepare for the worst” which is one of the absolute stupidest things I’ve ever heard…how the HELL can anyone prepare for the worst?  That almost ranks up there with that crazy lady asking me if I had “come to terms with death” several months ago…and I’m in better health than her!  Sometimes just a smile and a hug do just fine!  I’m already thinking about stuff all the time so people don’t have to attempt to be my guide down the steps of the grieving process…that whole thing is a bunch of hogwash anyway.  Take acceptance for instance…like anyone can ever truly accept something like this.  I don’t accept cancer, I never will!  And I will spend a million rounds of chemo, eat a thousand bunches of kale, try every disease reducing supplement, be stabbed with a gazillion acupuncture needles to balance it all, and lose my voice praying for the miracle of remission for as long as I need to in order to let other things in my life return to center stage.

So yesterday could have been my last day of chemo for awhile or just the beginning of a small break.  Unfortunately there isn’t much I can do to prepare for these scans…wish it was like a midterm where a little extra studying could get me through.  I’ve relentlessly paid attention and crammed for this cancer test stuff since the moment of diagnosis…I like to think what I put into it I’ll get out of it so it’s time to pray, visualize, and continue to pump my body full of health.

Thankful I still have enough hair to go wigless.  It’s slowly coming out, but the pixie-do is holding out.

Inspiration, a pre-chemo walk and work out in beautiful, breezy weather.  I’m not lifting anywhere near what I did a year ago, but I’m managing okay…have to remember I’m still technically recovering from surgery…I didn’t lift a thing for two months!  Did 100 crunches yesterday morning!  There’s muscle memory under the flab!

Indulgence, not really an indulgence but kicking up the protein intake.  Added hemp to two smoothies for a healthy kick.  Vanilla almond milk mixed with frozen fruit has become a pretty good alternative to a milkshake on those days where ice cream celebrating or sulking is necessary.

Found this today:

Psalm 91:3-4

For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence; he will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

Thirty Something???

Chemo, round 30 I think.  There’s been so many I’ve lost count.  Such a strange reality.  It’s so strange sitting there thinking I’ve pretty much graced the infusion room weekly for the past year…unreal.  Thank goodness Dita settled me in today…I laughed half the time I was there…spent the other half of the time watching Friends (thanks Alyssa!).

So I’ve been poking my nose back into the nutrition books.  Read that quercetin is this amazing nutrient that dissolves something called LOX that plays a role in tumor progression AND it’s a natural aromatase inhibitor.  Aromatase is a type of estrogen the body continues to produce after menapause…so after surgery this is an important thing to consider.  Quercetin is now a part of the daily regimen as well.  Also read about bromelain…comes from pineapples and breaks down the protein barrier covering the cancer cells making them more vulnerable to attack from the immune system and most likely chemotherapy as well.  I can’t bank on the uncertainty of a slight rise in markers, so I’m searching for as much as I can add to my super nutrient, flavonoid base of cancer fighting artillery so to speak.

The world appears to be going crazier each day…these education cuts are just nuts!  I don’t know how in the world we can solve our country’s problems with less education and more poverty???  It’s just a dead-end street.  And now…government shutdowns?  Military personnel without pay???  It appears cancer has spread to the fundamentals of democracy.  I thought it was government “by the people for the people”.   Where is Abraham Lincoln when we need him?

I’ve been feeling pretty good this week.  Blood pressure dipping a little too low and experiencing some light-headedness so I’m going to go ahead and stop blood pressure medication all together…I’m down to 5 mg of Lisinopril anyway.  Canceled my cardiologist appointment at the last-minute on Thursday and they wanted to charge me $25 for a less than 24-hour notification!  CRAZY!  I didn’t charge them $25 for sitting in their waiting room for 2 hours the last time I was there!!!  Anyway, they waived the fee when I explained to them the excessive doctor visits and co-pays I’m faced due to my medical condition…if I was just a routine every six month kind of gal, I’d fork over $25 with a lot less complaints.

Kat’s at the roller rink tonight.  So brings back memories of carpeted walls, speed skates, disco ball, and hokey skating games like four corners.  Our rink had these enormous cheesy cut outs of the Peanuts on each corner of the rink and we’d have to skate to one of the corners, then the seemingly cool skate guard would roll this big dice and whatever number was rolled, that corner was out of the game.  The winning corner would win something like a free pass or something.  Friday night middle-school parent-drop-off-and-go skating was the best.  Gossip, cotton candy, Tombstone pizza, moonlight skate, and fizzy Dr. Pepper…maybe it wasn’t such a miserable age…Kat’s making it look pretty wonderful.

My sweet husband (yes, I actually refer to him as sweet quite often these days) is off the WHOLE weekend.  I can’t recall the last time this has happened.  So we are going to Farmers’ Market it tomorrow bright and early.  I hope I feel up to the crawfish festival thing which he really wants to go to…George Clinton and the Funkadelics are one of the bands amongst others.  Hopefully spending the night at the ranch…we need to search for our bluebonnet picture spots for 2011.

Indulgence for the day…I really enjoyed my black bean burrito at lunch.  I make my beans from scratch these days…they are super yummy and so much healthier simply from not being stored in a can.  Contrary to popular belief, beans do not need to be soaked prior to being cooked and are very easy to make.

Inspiration…I prayed for direction to information that would be helpful to my treatment.  I found myself reading about the wonders of quercetin and bromelain.  I can’t expect God to do all the work for goodness sake…He’ll open doors, but I’m the one that has to keep stepping.  And yes, I’m still singing at the top of my lungs to the Message.  Kat is not a fan.

One Thing After Another

So the sermon last Sunday went well, at least I think it did.  When I was writing it…it really occurred to me how vulnerable this thing was making me.  I ended up trimming it down to provide just enough background to what’s going on…and to tell the truth, I’ve never publically declared my spiritual affiliations nonetheless in front of a congregation.  Well, I guess I’m getting a little more comfortable fulfilling some of the roles as an active Believer.  Let it be known that I do sing with The Message on XM and I don’t feel cheesy about it.  Anyway, it went well…cried through parts, held back the tears on others.  So now I’m just scared.

You know, confidence through life has routinely kicked me in the butt.  So, I have this great opportunity to share my story, inspire myself and others a little, profess that in the darkest times I have somehow found hope and I’m feeling alive and for the most part, getting this disease under control is looking pretty sunny and happy.  I even include in this thing that I’m looking forward to many, many more years as I have come to feel like I will.  But this little voice tucked way back in my head mutters “you’re going to put this motivation out there and find something out that’s going to throw you for a loop”.  I hate my sixth sense is all I can say…it’s dependable, which I don’t appreciate sometimes.  My tumor markers have risen…slightly, in normal ranges still…but they are elevated.  Two more rounds of chemo then scans on May 6th…hopefully to confirm that going back to chemo caused a slight jump but cancer butt is still being kicked (at least roughened up) is the news I’m so praying and hoping to hear.

I haven’t talked to anyone about it really…I don’t know what to say because I don’t know the extent to which I need to be worried.  My oncologist said that he’s not overly concerned but it’s definitely something to watch.  So like the big nerdball that I am, I’m back to reading a lot of junk…about chemo resilience, mutations, etc…  Big time f-bomb right here.  People say crazy stuff like “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst”…stupidest thing I’ve ever heard to tell you the truth…how in the HECK can anyone sanely prepare for the worst???

So now it’s out there…on a blog nonetheless because if I’m going to actually blog about this the reality needs to be there as much as the other stuff.  Cancer is unpredictable…and although I hate it more than anything else in the world…I recognize it’s ability to really screw things up.

Life continues though in the meantime…work, choir performances, ice skating lessons, loads of laundry, power walks, acupuncture…I’m getting through.  I can’t panic quite yet, but it’s certainly a distraction.  Back to the old questions of “Why me?” and “Where did I go wrong?”.  I’ve gotten used to the idea of living with stage 4 cancer because I’ve made it through this year and my life remains fundamentally normal.  I just want to be a regular 38-year-old mom worrying about things like weight loss and planning family vacations.  When I grow up I want to be a grandmother…that’s my dream.

I wish I ate dairy because I sure could use some real deal Baskin Robbins mint chip.  I’ll settle for Purely Decadent’s coconut bliss…it’s really good, but in times of crisis not as soothing.